Another Obstacle

These are my unadulterated thoughts, so I apologize in advance for any harshness or seeming stupidity. I am not particularly lucid these days, so my writing promises to be a bit bumpy.

In any case, I moved back in with my boyfriend two days ago, after two months at home with my parents. I'm scared. I'm not used to being by myself, and I still don't have a job, so I know I'm primed for several long weeks of just trying to get used to occupying myself again. The medicine I'm on has some pretty terrible side-effects, including a general disposition of being unmotivated and deadpan. It took a lot of energy to come write this blog post, so that should say something about my current state. I'm not sure how that translates to getting a job, except that I've convinced myself no one would want to hire me as I am right now.   It takes me much longer to complete tasks I could normally do in a few minutes, and a lot of energy just to convince myself to do them. The answer seems to be "just fight through it." I was taking a medication to deal with the side-effects of the antipsychotic (the one that has all the bad side-effects), but my doctor took me off of it, so I'm left feeling like I want to jump out of my own skin.

I also had a relapse, supposedly because my doctor took me down off the antipsychotic too fast, so that's been another major setback. Before then, I was actually starting to create resumes and apply for jobs, and now I'm back to just sitting around in a state of idiocy. It's better than mania (this last time I thought I was Belle from Beauty and the Beast... I hate psychosis), but it's still not productive.

Interestingly, my grandma is in a similar state. She fell out of bed two weeks ago and broke her collar bone/suffered a brain bleed, and she's very unsteady on her feet but is dying to get back to normal life. I feel the same way.