These are my unadulterated thoughts, so I apologize in advance for any harshness or seeming stupidity. I am not particularly lucid these days, so my writing promises to be a bit bumpy.
In any case, I moved back in with my boyfriend two days ago, after two months at home with my parents. I'm scared. I'm not used to being by myself, and I still don't have a job, so I know I'm primed for several long weeks of just trying to get used to occupying myself again. The medicine I'm on has some pretty terrible side-effects, including a general disposition of being unmotivated and deadpan. It took a lot of energy to come write this blog post, so that should say something about my current state. I'm not sure how that translates to getting a job, except that I've convinced myself no one would want to hire me as I am right now. It takes me much longer to complete tasks I could normally do in a few minutes, and a lot of energy just to convince myself to do them. The answer seems to be "just fight through it." I was taking a medication to deal with the side-effects of the antipsychotic (the one that has all the bad side-effects), but my doctor took me off of it, so I'm left feeling like I want to jump out of my own skin.
I also had a relapse, supposedly because my doctor took me down off the antipsychotic too fast, so that's been another major setback. Before then, I was actually starting to create resumes and apply for jobs, and now I'm back to just sitting around in a state of idiocy. It's better than mania (this last time I thought I was Belle from Beauty and the Beast... I hate psychosis), but it's still not productive.
Interestingly, my grandma is in a similar state. She fell out of bed two weeks ago and broke her collar bone/suffered a brain bleed, and she's very unsteady on her feet but is dying to get back to normal life. I feel the same way.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Some Stuff to Share
Hello folks. It's been a rough couple of weeks for me, with another episode and separation from my BF. I don't want to write too much longer in this area of the internet, but I just had three things I wanted to share. One is a writing, by me, that I started when I was just 7 years old (first paragraph only), and decided to finish a couple days ago. It's actually an unfinished piece still, but I wanted to share it because it encompasses bipolar disorder and all that it has become to me. So here goes:
Next I wanted to share some music I came across that also has helped me through this time. One is a song from Jekyll and Hyde, entitled "This is the Moment." I had a weird religious-type experience playing it on the piano yesterday, which is somewhat fitting considering the current circumstances of my life. The other is an album by Vanessa Carlton, called Be Not Nobody. A wonderful album written by someone who has dealt with depression, but who seemingly has two faces: one of depression, one of extreme frustration. I think Vanessa and I would be great friends if we ever knew each other.
Finally, I wanted to share this message that my BF wrote to me, in the beginning months of our relationship:
Love I have a bit of interesting news. It's not really as meaningful to you as me I suppose, but I know that you will enjoy it anyway. I found a couple of notes that L (my ex-“girlfriend”) wrote for me. I decided for chuckles to read them and see what they had to say. As I read them I began to realize that they didn't say anything. The two notes were a jumble of thoughts and events that occurred throughout her day. It was very dull to say the least, and I began to think about it. We never really share anything that made us more than just a set of two people that talked on a regular basis. I always thought that she broke up with me because I wasn't intimate in the relationship, but I now realize, whether it was her intent or not, that it had nothing to do with intimacy. We had nothing in common.
Sure, we would talk everyday, but we always talked of mundane pointless things. It was hardly a relationship. I'm not really sure that it was anything to be quite honest. A dance and a friendship is what it amounted. Now you may be wondering why I would bother to tell you this. Why would I take the time to tell you things that don't make any difference? Well I just thought that you'd like to know that this discovery has further solidified my belief that you are my first relationship (real relationship). Which doesn't really change anything, but it's just an interesting tidbit, a side note if you will. Something to think about as we continue to progress as a couple. One day I hope that we will look back and read these messages years down the road. Not separately trying remember what was forgotten, but together, as a couple, fondly remembering our young happiness and seeing how it has developed and changed into something better. Into a love that runs deep and completely through us. I know that every day that passes, every letter I write, every time we talk, and every night we spend together brings us closer to that goal. Time is something that passes and challenges us to beat it to fight against it with our might, but love has beating time. And now we wait, as time catches up, we wait to fill in our love with experiences, for we know the depths of our relationship. We can see there is much to be done and much to be said, but at least we see that there is that potential. Thankfully neither of us is willing to quit on that. I love you and always will love you. You are my first true human connection. You are the first person to accept me as fully as I am willing to accept you, and I smile every day knowing just that.
An eloquent writer opening up, defying the rules of the Manosphere and wearing his heart on his sleeve. My BF has basically been a saint through all of my insanity, and I really look up to him in many ways. If our roles were switched, I'd like to say that I'd stick with him, but I don't know that I could. I see it as some sort of miracle that he not only stays with me, but also looks out for me and keeps me safe when I can't take care of myself. I truly feel as though he's taken a bullet for me; that's how much it means that he would stay with me through my struggles with such a horrible disease. It may be something I should expect, but I don't. Bipolar disorder is the ultimate demon, and I believe many men would not put up with it in their partners. And so I remain forever grateful that I have such a wonderful man.
There
was once a princess. But she did not know it because her mother and father did
not think she was royal and kicked her out of the house. And it was when she
was one. And so when she was old enough to walk she left the house or I should
say castle. And thinking it was not her castle she set off to serch her family.
Along the way she met a rabbit. The rabbit said you are a royal princess and
you just left your castle.
But the girl did not want to be a
princess. She did not want to stay in her castle. She heard the rabbit’s words
and thought of all the pain and torture she had endured in that “royal” castle,
during that short-lived childhood. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, really. The girl
had borne a weight too difficult to carry all throughout her life: a secret
deformity. The deformity wasn’t physical, though she had dealt with those too.
No, the deformity was in her mind, it plagued her thoughts and her dreams. Her
mind was a tormented trap of nightmares and psychoses. At night she tried to
stay awake to avoid the darkness that would haunt her in those nightmares.
Sometimes she struggled to stay awake, and then the darkness would consume
every moment of her sleep. When she woke, she felt as though she had never gone
to sleep in the first place.
The girl became friends with the
rabbit, who constantly tried to convince her to go back to that castle, but who
never went to the castle himself. He assured her that the castle would be safe,
that if she just took a teaspoonful of his magical medicine, the creepy vines
and blank stares of her dreams would retreat to the darkness, and she could
live happily ever after. But the girl did not want to live happily ever after.
All she wanted was a moment of peace, a feeling of triumph and calm, the warmth
of love. She wanted to be happy just for one moment.
But
happiness evades the deformed of mind. There is only the highest form of
aggravation, for which the word “irritation” is much too mild, and the darkest
misery, derived from the reality that there is no happiness; there are only
nightmares from which one cannot escape. Life goes on, and there are brief moments
of pleasure…Next I wanted to share some music I came across that also has helped me through this time. One is a song from Jekyll and Hyde, entitled "This is the Moment." I had a weird religious-type experience playing it on the piano yesterday, which is somewhat fitting considering the current circumstances of my life. The other is an album by Vanessa Carlton, called Be Not Nobody. A wonderful album written by someone who has dealt with depression, but who seemingly has two faces: one of depression, one of extreme frustration. I think Vanessa and I would be great friends if we ever knew each other.
Finally, I wanted to share this message that my BF wrote to me, in the beginning months of our relationship:
Love I have a bit of interesting news. It's not really as meaningful to you as me I suppose, but I know that you will enjoy it anyway. I found a couple of notes that L (my ex-“girlfriend”) wrote for me. I decided for chuckles to read them and see what they had to say. As I read them I began to realize that they didn't say anything. The two notes were a jumble of thoughts and events that occurred throughout her day. It was very dull to say the least, and I began to think about it. We never really share anything that made us more than just a set of two people that talked on a regular basis. I always thought that she broke up with me because I wasn't intimate in the relationship, but I now realize, whether it was her intent or not, that it had nothing to do with intimacy. We had nothing in common.
Sure, we would talk everyday, but we always talked of mundane pointless things. It was hardly a relationship. I'm not really sure that it was anything to be quite honest. A dance and a friendship is what it amounted. Now you may be wondering why I would bother to tell you this. Why would I take the time to tell you things that don't make any difference? Well I just thought that you'd like to know that this discovery has further solidified my belief that you are my first relationship (real relationship). Which doesn't really change anything, but it's just an interesting tidbit, a side note if you will. Something to think about as we continue to progress as a couple. One day I hope that we will look back and read these messages years down the road. Not separately trying remember what was forgotten, but together, as a couple, fondly remembering our young happiness and seeing how it has developed and changed into something better. Into a love that runs deep and completely through us. I know that every day that passes, every letter I write, every time we talk, and every night we spend together brings us closer to that goal. Time is something that passes and challenges us to beat it to fight against it with our might, but love has beating time. And now we wait, as time catches up, we wait to fill in our love with experiences, for we know the depths of our relationship. We can see there is much to be done and much to be said, but at least we see that there is that potential. Thankfully neither of us is willing to quit on that. I love you and always will love you. You are my first true human connection. You are the first person to accept me as fully as I am willing to accept you, and I smile every day knowing just that.
An eloquent writer opening up, defying the rules of the Manosphere and wearing his heart on his sleeve. My BF has basically been a saint through all of my insanity, and I really look up to him in many ways. If our roles were switched, I'd like to say that I'd stick with him, but I don't know that I could. I see it as some sort of miracle that he not only stays with me, but also looks out for me and keeps me safe when I can't take care of myself. I truly feel as though he's taken a bullet for me; that's how much it means that he would stay with me through my struggles with such a horrible disease. It may be something I should expect, but I don't. Bipolar disorder is the ultimate demon, and I believe many men would not put up with it in their partners. And so I remain forever grateful that I have such a wonderful man.
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